No, that’s not Usher’s new girlfriend- it’s a 16 year old Canadian white boy that someone paid Usher a lot of cash to mentor. I know he’s been popular for a while but I didn’t really care to notice until now.

The verdict is: Justin Bieber sings pretty good- damn good in fact…  albeit superficially . I say superficially since he of course doesn’t write any of the love songs that he sings which might be a good thing because how deep can high schooler lyrics be? A heart break to a 16 year old suburban kid is getting a break-up note from your girlfriend at recess- not really material that can stand the test of time.

Like thousands of other pop stars his age, he sings other people’s songs- songs which tend to straddle an incredibly vague line hoping to accomodate as wide a demographic as possible. And that crap is just plain boring.

More than this, I’m not sure if Usher is the right person to mentor him based on his own recent catalog’s dwindling intelligence. I mean, if we’re rolling our eyes at Love in This Club- what makes you think One Time won’t bore us to tears.

What’s funny to me is Bieber’s Baby song, featuring…  Luda? Why would Luda agree to this? His talent lies in his capability to be vulgar and crude. Take that away from Luda and the lyrics are worse than what Bieber’s singing.

They should be teaching him how to put together lyrics based on his own life, sing a song about a girl he specifically likes, or plainly just anything he cares about. Instead it’s the same crap they make every suburban white kid sing- partying and vague love songs. The tried and true method of leading them into a future life of clubbing, drugs and promiscuous sex. And we can see that’s worked wonders for all the other Disney and Nickelodian kids.

You ever seen a video on Youtube that’s gotten more views because its terrible? Like it has one star but a million views so you click on it to see how bad it is? I just did and yes, it was so stupid I had to rate it one star before I left the page. Anyways, that has nothing to do with Ghost Recon: Future Soldier the live action trailer. You may want to brace yourself cuz there’s a lot of ownage here.

Imagine my surprise when I got this email from my friend:

“I’m writing this message to you with sadness. I traveled to London for a short vacation and unfortunately for me, I was mugged at a knife point last night at the park of the hotel where i lodged and all cash, credit cards and cell phone were all taken away.

I have gone to the embassy and Police station and they’re not helping issues at all. My flight leaves in less than 8hrs from now and i am having problems to pay my hotel bills.

The hotel manager won’t let me leave until i settle the bills. I need a loan from you to return back home and I want you to get back to me if you will be able to help me.

Thank you,

[friend's name]”

First of all, I thought it was quite interesting that my friend would address me so politely. I also thought it was interesting that he would start a letter of emergency with a preparatory introduction. Out of all the languages and cultures in the world, who the hell starts out a cry for help with a buffer? “I’m writing this message to you with sadness.” That’s what you say when there’s been a death in the family or maybe you have a dilema I can’t fix, like herpes or something.

But you don’t go, “I’m writing this message to you with sadness… I don’t know how to tell you this but…  I was just robbed” that’s ridiculous- if you just got robbed you start the message with “Dude I just got robbed.” Any friend of mine would know that getting robbed isn’t a tragedy to me- it’s more an occurrence on par with getting pulled over by cops. In fact, sometimes I’d rather see thugs than see a siren because at least I won’t get in trouble for running.

And of course, he asks for money. That’s the final giveaway that this isn’t really my friend- because this friend of mine is far richer than I am and connected to way more banks. He wouldn’t ever ask me for money because we have friends who are far richer than he is. The funniest thing is he ends his state of emergency with “Thank You” and that’s precious. He just turned his urgent cry of help into a fundraiser flyer with two words. That’d be even funnier if he put “Thank you for your time”- oh that would’ve been priceless. If he had only put that instead, I might’ve emailed him back and sent him a dollar for entertaining me.